September 20, 2012

Wings, A Voice, and a Birthday!

      I read another very insightful post by the wise and sage Milagro Girl (actually there were two but I will get to that).
I have spoken on this topic before (see Epic failures on many fronts post last February). I feel that I have a hard time connecting with others. I do not have close friends. I very definitely do not have close girl friends. Why? I have never been really sure of that answer but it has haunted me for quite some time.
Earlier this year I saw a quote about not making less of yourself and I had it on my quote of the day for awhile. Then I read the post and it was like reading something I could have written (except she said it so much better). I make less of myself in order to make others feel better about themselves. I redirect to you and make sure you are center stage. I play dumb by asking questions that I may know the answer to. If I really value your input then I take it to a whole new level. I work to become your helper. I defer and scrape and gravel to just be included so I can learn from you. In doing this I leave nothing of myself with you. Most descriptions I have heard are, I am sweet, nice, kind. Those are not bad words by a long shot and a good place to start but I am more than that. By being the wall flower, shrinking, hiding, I do the other person no good and I come away feeling less of myself and disconnected.

I can be loud.
A little too loud when i am really excited about something. I think i can be funny, sarcastic, stubborn, and very competitive. I like to giggle and people watch. I enjoy problem solving and I do really like to help others. I really can't tolerate drama and if you ask me about dog training I will talk until your ears bleed! All kinds of music moves me. There. I'm sure there is a lot more to me but atleast it is a start. No more hidding! 

The other post was about having only 5 years to live. A woman's daughter read her fortune/palm (?) and declared she only had 5 years to live. She is now trying to live her life with more intention. I have been thinking about that. It has been with me for a few weeks. I also have been trying to live with more intention. This has allowed me to find my voice. I found my voice enough to let it be known that I wanted to spend time with someone I consider a friend and someone I would like to consider a friend. Guess what!!!! I got to have my very first girls night! Thank you Tori and Marissa for staying up late the night before a clinic and watching Hunger Games with me! I had a blast! Then during the clinic I was able to find my voice again when I felt someone was being inappropriate towards my dog. Usually I would not have stood up for myself or my dog but not any more. I also found my voice when the other participants got a little to excited and so loud I couldn't hear what was being said directly to me. It felt empowering! I don't want to be mean but I no longer want to fade into the background either. 

Tomorrow is my birthday. I know it is just a number and really I do believe I am about ten years off in spirit! My gift to myself this year is going to be to continue to use my new voice and put myself out there more. I am granting myself a pair of wings and I plan on using them so look out here I come! I plan on using my voice and new wings to beat back the fear and do a little high flying! 

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