Stalling a little longer....
I don't want to write this post....but if I don't I will not be able to resist crawling into my little shell never to return again.
I must get these thoughts out or they will do some serious damage.
This weekend was..........I'm not sure how to put it into words.
I don't want to say, I'm afraid you'll feel
sorry for me. Pity, poor Kelly. Maybe I should just write it in a letter to myself then burn it. Purge it from my psyche. Skip the shame I would feel thinking about what you might think. I hate to hand write. Oh just get it over with, lets put my big girl pants on and to hell with all of you. (Sorry, I didn't mean that).
This weekend was very difficult. I knew it was going to be but it beat my best imagination by a mile. (I'm such a very good liar to myself). I really thought I could survive it but now I have doubts. Like magnitude 12 on the Richter scale doubts. Yes failure= information but this is too much information all at once.
The positive, cause I always like to start with the positive....There were moments of brilliance and I had Rayce (my daughter) with me all weekend. She did help a lot. I think I would have quit. I would have went home if it wasn't for her company, optimism, and just youthful joy.
The biggest piece of information I got was....It is all my fault. My slow dog and distracted dog, that rather visit than run. Is ALL MY FAULT but I already really knew that. I just lied good enough to think it wasn't that bad and I can fix it. I can fix it. I just don't know how yet and that has me so very sad. I thought I knew, I thought I did so much better and different this time, with this dog. Sadly, no I have not made enough changes with myself as a trainer, handler, person. The same mistakes being repeated, same patterns being used. Its very frustrating and sad because I don't know what to do. There is no plan. It is an old problem that continues to revisit me and I just don't know what to change any more. Hopelessness has set in.
I can't let go during competitions. I can't just run and enjoy my dog. It took an immense amount of frustration, last run of the weekend, before I let go and just left him. I literally said to him on course "That's it I'm leaving" and I turned and ran away. It was our best run of the weekend. So sad. It was sad because I wasn't having fun, I was mad. He ran fast and accurate and I was mad, so very mad, and frustrated. I tried so hard to connect with him all weekend. Little games of "look at that" and treats every time he looked at me. I even curled up with him in the crating area giving him lots of attention and playing some crate games. Yet it never seemed to transfer to the ring. I didn't feel any different at the line. Not nervous, I smiled at him, tried to act exactly the same as practice, told him I was so happy to be there, lets go play! He looked away at everything but me. He was slow to leave the line. It was not fun.
In retrospect, I am beginning to believe this is directly related to my inability to connect with others. I do not have friends. I have people I know and my husband's friends. Why? Good darn question. One I have been trying to answer for a very long time. Any one want to jump in here and provide some constructive feedback? No? Come on I promise not to get mad. I really want to know. Do I talk to much about myself? To needy? To high a standard? To judgmental? Talk to much? I really don't know. The truth can't be any more painful than the feeling of being alone surrounded by people. Now I seem to be unable to connect with my dog also. Relationships....so very hard. I try so hard to make friends but all I end with is more acquaintances. I spent a lot of time this weekend alone in the bleachers. I tried to make eye contact and join in but it usually didn't work. No one to talk strategy with. It was no fun.
So, epic failures on many fronts this weekend. It will take some time to recover but I will. I have read a few other blogs today that helped. I don't care for self pity so it won't last long but the fire is gone right now. I hope it will come back soon. I can live with being alone but I do mind not being connected with Surf. All I can do is keep trying.
I promised the video from this weekend so you could compare and I will follow through because I need to. Good! That is out.......now I can lay it down and move on.
Lots of visiting but we got all the hard parts!
We both ran faster this time.
OK with a day to retrospect and watching the videos over and over last night. I realized two things. Our relationship isn't that bad. There is room for improvement but it is not as devastating as I made it out to be and I need to be way more aggressive in my handling. Aggressive is that the right word? Assertive, maybe that is the better word? All I know is while watching, I could hear Cherie saying, "just drive the car!" I also heard Tori Self (during a seminar) say to another person, "I want you to think that if he passes that jump he will be hit by a car." My continual bad habit is that I timidly run the course. I ask, beg, plead, wish but I don't tell him what I want. I finally did in the STD run above. I didn't care, you can come with me or not but this is what I am doing.
All though there were lots of focus issues this weekend and he did not hold his contacts in FAST (the aframe was part of the send) I noticed that all of the really tricky handling parts of the courses we did well. Like the JWW run above, yes he visited but that course gave alot of handlers a hard time and there was a lot of complaining going on during walk through. We got the tricky parts and I know we can run fast. I just have to work on his focus and my driving this team. A plan is starting to formulate and that allows the hope to return. I told you I wouldn't wallow to long :-)
As for the other stuff....I chalk it up to a possible hormonal imbalance! lol Yes, this trial was lonely but it usually doesn't bother me so much. I love my dog, I love doing agility, and I am grateful for a family that supports me in my hobby.